(disclaimer; shit is about to get soppy)
When you've had a bit of a rocky time, its easy to get completely overwhelmed. When the last 9 months of 2017 were riddled with deaths, illness' & breakups, I let life get the better of me. But (I know you're not supposed to start a sentence with 'but', but what you gonna do?) I was more overwhelmed by the love I had got & the love I felt for you. I vividly remember a particular day. It was the shittest of all shit days & I was struggling. It was early summer & I remember it being really hot. I sat in my back garden on a plastic chair staring, wondering how the buggery I was going to get myself out of this gaping hole, but you never left me alone. I never felt alone, because of you. You would take turns to come and see me, I'd cry (& snot) on each of your shoulders & ask if I would be ok, because in my head I really wasn't sure. I felt crap, but never on my own. I remember thinking to myself how lucky I was & that I couldn't believe that these funny, beautiful, 10/10 babes cared about me so much. I knew you cared, but not to this extent. The chips were well and truly down and you were there.
I've learnt that the shittest of times bring the greatest epiphanies. Great doesn't have to be mean big either. It doesn't have to be a light bulb moment like in the films when you realise your calling in life or the career you've been born to do. Great epiphanies can be little moments of magic that you'll always treasure. It can be the moment when I was watching The Sweetest Thing in your basement. I was nestled between two of you with a pizza hut on my lap singing the penis song & realising I'm going to be absolutely fine. Or driving down a country lane next to you in your mini. It was 28 degrees, the air con was blowing in our faces, Cheryl Cole 'Call My Name' was blaring out the speakers & I realise there's no where I'd rather be. Not even Disneyland. It was the moment I rang you for the 4th time that day in tears. I told you not to come round, minutes later you were at my gate. I threw my arms round you, pressed my face in your sweater & a sense of relief comes over me that makes me realise you're the person I needed to see most in the world. I see the relief on my mums face as well, she knows you're the only one who can cheer me up & talk sense into me like you have done since primary school. I can even remember the shoes & dress I was wearing & the glass I was holding my gin & tonic in.
It's funny how people wander in & out of your life everyday, but sometimes one comes by and you think "yes, I like you, i'll keep you". Then that's is. I'll go on to tell you my secrets, let you see me without a scrap of make up on & my family will ask how you are. An unbreakable bond is made. It will sometimes be tested, like when you had to go and live in Australia for 9 months, but we wrote to each other. Not texts or Snap chats, but real life handwritten letters of love. I think I may have also posted you some of my hair, or you did me... which is creepy, but great. You don't know when these moments or people are going to come by. Most of the time it's completely unexpected. One day I was told someone new would be starting at work. I remember walking into the staff room, you were sitting there and I said hello & went to my locker. I didn't know it then but you were to become one of the most important people in my life. We were to go on day trips, laugh until I thought we would be physically sick & when I was having said 'bumpy time' last year I would call you on my first day back at work. I remember sitting on the office floor, tears rolling down my face, trying to find your number on my phone with my little shaky pale hands. I didn't think I could cope with the day but you told me to go and get myself a drink at that you would be there as soon as you could. I felt better.
So on this commercial day, whilst I don't have any flowers or a cute collage of me and my loved one to post on social media, I will declare my love for you. My big sisters, my wing women. My therapists, drinking buddies, my life coaches & biggest cheerleaders. The ones who know every intimate detail about my "love" life. Who have my back every day & will hate anyone be default who has done me wrong. You know the best memes to tag me in & which foods get me to eat when I haven't eaten for 3 days (Doritos & dip fyi) & what really caused that mystery aggressive water infection... Ellie I'm looking at you. You'll tell me when I need to chill the fuck out but equally when I think I'm being mental, you'll tell me its fine & that we all do crazy things. Even though I'm a bit weird, I don't think before I speak & my ex said he thinks I'm on the autistic spectrum (dick thing to say, but you know him) you make me feel like its ok to be me. It's great to be me in fact & that you accept me for who I am.
So here's to our love. Our unconditional love.
x
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